


Untitled

by melitorious



Category: Suede (Band), The Tears - Fandom
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-06
Updated: 2016-05-31
Packaged: 2018-05-25 02:40:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,876
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6176935
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/melitorious/pseuds/melitorious
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Brett is falling for Bernard,but he does not want to come out,yet.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> *English is not my first language,therefore, something might sounds weird.  
> *Timeline and place are messed up,sorry lol.

It is the same old morning in London

Cold wind breezes through the street accompanied with light rain. The sound of people's footsteps and chit-chat while they are trying to find shelters or get to their places and the sound of the traffic are constantly heard. London seemed like a grim place to live when it is covered with showering rain and dim atmosphere from dark grey clouds overshadowing the sun.

 

Brett is smoking in his room,jamming David Bowie's Quicksand with his acoustic guitar. He remembers listening to this song with his best friend,Bernard.

Actually,nobody does it better than Bernard, when it comes to playing guitar. The man can play acoustic and electric guitar like god. Brett and the rest of the band are very surprised when they first hear Bernard playing during the audition.

Brett still remembers the first time when they both meet vividly,Bernard's messy hair,his denim jacket,jean, and that thousand splendid sunshine smile too. Bernard always looks like an ordinary kind of guy ,however, serious atmosphere and passion are there when that cherry-red Gibson or another ombre acoustic guitar got pick up. At that time,Bernard is the most passionate and the best among them all. The fact that Bernard might outgrow the rest of the band pushes Brett and other members to strive harder and to be a better band. They rehearse together more and get serious with making music to form a rock band

In the early days,they mostly just perform some gigs together at the pub,playing random covers of popular songs. Bernard is very helpful with the band,running around trying to book various pubs and make sure everybody is doing alright. He is a bit bossy and dominant sometimes,but everyone,even Brett, understands that he cares a lot about the band.

Sometimes,Brett even think that Bernard got his line packed up everytime they meet since Bernard always asks him those same old questions (and,yeah,complaint too.)

"Are you alright,Brett?"

"Are you okay with what we are doing? ...Hhmm.. I mean how we play the music together."

"You seem a little bit tired.Better get some rest,eh?"

"Don't smoke too much alright? It will damage your vocal cord"

"You need to drink more water ,Brett. Your voice is cracking up in the middle of the song!"

And many many many more. It goes on and on and on. Brett even wonders whether Bernard ever get tired of asking about him and caring about other people.

Funny,when he thinks back about it,he originally thinks that Bernard is trying too hard to get along with the band. Brett thinks the new member is faking it at some point,but those warm and caring sound is oddly satisfying to him. He really does not care about Bernard being bossy as long as those words are warm and caring. It is one of the greatest feelings in the whole world to be taken care of and to be considered important by someone and Brett feels like he lacks that feeling all along. He does not feel belong for ages and it is such an oddly satisfying feeling that Bernard makes him whole again. Those words run through him like a comforting river. He yearns for more, for love and caring from Bernard.

 

The feeling gets even stronger when Brett's girlfriend, Justine,left him. Brett remembers that it is kind of bittersweet. He is sad,but there is also a slight relief that the tension is over. That night Bernard accompanies him to the local pub where he drinks and smokes a lot. Bernard seems concerned,but listens and tries to comfort him as usual.

Brett ends up so drunk,barely conscious about what he says or does and almost throws up every five minute. Bernard takes him home and makes sure that Brett is safely rested.

In the morning,Brett wakes up with dizziness and slight self-embarrassment. Bernard must have taken him home. He feels embarrassed to let Bernard see how childish he is. Brett just can't even control himself. He just feels like he needs to drink and it goes too far for last night. He is lying awake as hangover slightly built up ,then Bernard comes check him out.

"Brett,how are you feeling?" Bernard ,holding a glass of water,comes sit near him by the bed .

"I feel like dogshit." He looks at Bernard and smiles a little

" Here take the hangover pill. You will feel better." Bernard gives him a pill and a glass of water. Brett pops the pill into his mouth,following with the water. He clears his throat before hands the glass back.

"I will be in the living room. If you need anything,just call. Alright?" Brett nods. Bernard takes the glass back,walking straight to the door until the raspy voice of his friend interrupt his movement.

"Hey...... I...ah....thank you. And..,ah........ If I said something stupid last night,just forget it.Please"

Bernard turns around with his signature sunshine smile before heading back to the living room. Brett feels as if his heart skips a beat and it beats faster and faster. He goes back to sleep,trying to calm himself down. He knows how embarrass this is,but it is also one of the most precious feeling in the world that ,at least,someone cares about him. Despite he hates the fact that Bernard might overly protect him and treat him like a baby,Brett still loves the feeling of being protected and cared. He wishes this feeling could last forever,just wishes to wake up every morning and see that thousands sunshine smile. At this point,Brett is sure that he is falling for Bernard,hard and fast.

 

Later when they get closer together,it is more than word,a touch. There is a pat on the back and sometimes on the shoulder which Brett found himself wanting for more. He feels as if he is addicted to Bernard's tenderness. Everytime there is a pat whether on the back or the shoulder,Brett is left with a warmth,numbness and slightly tingling,but comforting feeling. At the end of the day,he just wishes he had more,more than just a touch.

Brett knows by heart that he is drowning himself in his own fantasy. Maybe Bernard is just being Bernard and there is no more than that,but he cannot pull himself out of that special feeling he has for Bernard. If they were in proper relationship, it would seem very unfair since it seems like Bernard is the only one who cares about him,while Brett is not doing much. He knows that he is too afraid to make any move since Bernard can get it wrong and it will all ruin their good relationship. Brett is afraid of his own feeling,but he just cannot stop falling harder for Bernard. He knows this and does not know how to stop.

He just wishes they could last forever. In this lifetime,Brett just wants to sing his heart out alongsided with Bernard jamming on guitar and keeping those beautiful blue eyes locked on Brett alone.

 

'Yeah....I guess that is how my ideal life will be.

To spend my time with you and music

Sing and dance to the crowd

Lose ourselves

Only you and me

Only the two of us'


	2. Chapter 2

That night four of them do a cover of The Pretenders' _Brass in Pocket_. It is Brett who picks the song. He is quite uneasy with the song at first because the lyrics is relatable with himself trying to impress Bernard,however,he decides to sing it anyway.

Brett makes sure that he is not trying too hard or it will get too explicated and might scare Bernard away. He tries to talk and spend more time rehearsing with Bernard lately. There are a lot of times when two of them are left alone in the studio together while Mat and Simon going elsewhere. Most of the time,they listen to records together or read each other a book until they both get inspired to write a song. Bernard is the one who first comes up with the riff or the solo and Brett will try to add a couple of words to make it into a song. Brett,sometimes,goes home to write the lyrics and show it to Bernard the next day. After that, they edit song together.Brett feels like this is how his ideal life supposed to be,to write a song with his best friend who understands him and always encourage him.

While he is in the dressing room,preparing for tonight's gig and losing in his thought,Bernard comes in.

"How's going? Are you ready ?" He chimes in with the same old smile. Brett feels as if his heart trips,again. He clears his throat and walks straight in front of the mirror,styling his hair for one last time. Looking in the mirror,Brett can see that Bernard slightly gazes at him.

"It is the shirt,right?" Brett decides to break the silence between them

"Yeah. It is too revealing,I guess." Bernard clears his throat and looks away.

"Aughhh...It is just a gig,Bernie" Brett rolls his eyes and giggles a bit. It is such a sweet habit of Bernard concerning that he wears too revealing clothes. Actually,it is just a blouse that is too small for him. Although Bernard might appear to be driven by tradition,Brett is grateful anyway that Bernard cares about the little detail.

"I have another one with me.It is white boat neck,if you are interested"

"I guess I can wear it if it makes you more comfortable" Brett turns around and smiles

"No." Bernard shakes and scratches his head. He is now sitting quietly in a couch near the corner of the dressing room with legs crossed. Brett quickly realizes that he said something wrong by turning the blame on Bernard. He tries to resolve the situation.

"I will wear it if it makes _both_ of us more comfortable" Brett smiles and walks to sit near Bernard,shooting a glance at him.

"Alright,I get the shirt" Bernard gets up and grabs his bag before getting the shirt out. Brett takes off his too small black blouse before getting the white boat neck on. Brett notices that when he takes the shirt off,Bernard looks away. Brett smiles faintly.

Brett is checking himself out in front of the mirror. The white boat neck shirt looks perfectly fit on him. The white top is in contrast with the black pants he is wearing which overall creates an ethereal and feminine image on Brett tonight.

"See? You look great!" Bernard pats on his shoulder,looking at him in the mirror. Brett's heart leaps a bit. They both look at each other in the mirror and giggle.

"Tha..." The raspy voice is interrupted by the knock on the door.

 

"Guys,they are asking for us now" As far as they remember,it is Mat's voice

"Alright,we will be there in a minute." Brett answers. He sighs a little as nervousness rushes through his vein. He tries not to think about it much and tries to encourage himself that he can go through this gig wonderfully as usual.

"Were you saying something a minute ago" Bernard asks,looking Brett in the eyes.

"Thank you." Brett smiles and tucks his fringe behind his left ear.

 

It is one of the normal gigs in the local pub. Approximately,around 60 people are listening to them tonight. Simon hits the drum kit gently at first to create a crescendo effect and it is followed by Bernard's wonderful guitar riff. Brett listens to the intro and starts to sing.

He feels a little bit nervous ,as if butterflies flying in his stomach. He turns to the crowd and tries to look for no one in particular ,hoping that this is better than making an eye-contact with specific person.

 

_"I got brass in my pocket_

_I got powder, I'm gonna use it_

_Intention of feeling myself_

_Gonna make you, make you, make you notice"_

Brett feels like he misses his first notes and his voice cracks up a bit. Leaning toward the microphone stand and playing with it,he tries to calm himself down.

 

_"Got motion restrained emotion_

_I've been driving detroit leaning_

_No reason, just seems so pleasing_

_Gonna make you, make you, make you notice"_

Some people in the crowd start to dance and Brett feels more at ease. The thought of audience enjoying his gig makes him flashes up a smile.

 

_"Gonna use my arms_

_Gonna use my legs_

_Gonna use my style_

_Gonna use my sidestep_

_Gonna use my fingers_

_Gonna use my, my, my imagination"_

Brett does not know where else to look. During that brief moment of time,he finds himself stealing a look at Bernard who is strumming his favourite cherry red Gibson 355. Bernard's glance meets with Brett, which means that Bernard's eyes constantly locked with Brett before their glance meets. Brett feels like he is blushing and quickly looks away.

_Wait! Why Bernard is looking at me? OH.MY.GOD. OH.MY.GOD._

He feels his heart beating so fast,too fast. Brett tries to calm himself down by looking at the crowd instead. He thinks he skips some lines.He tries to clear his head,thinking about nothing in particular. Then in a minute, he goes down with the rest of lyrics with ease.

 

_"'Cause I gonna make you see_

_There's nobody else here_

_No one like me_

_I'm special so special_

_I gotta have some of your attention_

_give it to me"_

_..._

Brett spends the rest of the song focusing his glance at the crowd and trying to calm himself down. Although part of him want steal another look at Bernard,he is too afraid that he might not be able to control himself. He ends up finishing the rest of the song with his glance locked at the front door of the pub.

After the gig,he sighs a little. Stage fright is not cool,anyway.

 

Brett is contemplating with himself in the dressing room after the gig. Funny,when he thinks about it,he thinks it is embarrassed. It looks as if he sings begging for Bernard to notice him. However,it is what he truly feels. He wishes Bernard considered him to be more than a friend. Another part of Brett wants to hit himself. What the fuck is he thinking? This fantasy is going too far and it is not good. Not good at all.

Brett's flow of thought is interrupted when Bernard comes in.

"It is very great tonight. Your voice is brilliant." Bernard breaks the silence and puts his guitar in his bag.

Brett smiles faintly.

"Yeah,thanks. I guess it is not as good as your guitar riff since yours are the best among four of us"

"Hey! What's happens with Mister Confident now? Is there anything troubles you? When I watch you sing tonight,you seems a little lost." Bernard says and goes sit by the couch near the corner of the room.

It is this feeling again. The thought of Bernard caring about him is bittersweet. Brett likes it. He almost wants to drown in this fantasy,but another part of him constantly reminds him that he is expecting too much.

"No. Everything's fine. I guess I am just tired" Brett says with both of his hands covering and slowly massaging his own face.

_Yeah. Fucking tired of calming myself down because of you,Bernard._

"Okay?" Bernard says,sitting with his legs crossed,hugging his guitar bag and looking at Brett

"Come on! Bernie,trust me" Brett says and flashes up his smile at Bernard. Bernard is treating him like a baby again,but it is undeniable that Brett actually likes it.

"I think maybe you should come around my flat next week,so we can write a new song. I am bored with doing the covers" Bernard says,hugging his guitar and looking straight to Brett's eyes.

"Alright. Next week, your place. "

 


	3. Chapter 3

Brett remembers the first time they write song together,The Drowners.

 

 

He arrives ten minutes before the actual time that they schedule. Standing in front of Bernard's flat in North London,Brett tries to breathe in and out to calm himself down. He then decides to knock.

' Knock. Knock. Knock. '

 

....

 

Silence

 

....

 

Brett looks at his wrist watch and make sure the time is right,before knock again.

 

Bernard opens the door and greets him with sleepy face. Brett smiles as usual.

" It looks like I am on time,don't I? Sleepy head" Brett says and giggles. Bernard swings the door open for Brett to come in then he walks straight to the little bathroom to wash his face.

"Make yourself at home. There is some tea near the sink. Make it if you want." The owner's voice comes from the bathroom.

Brett looks around the kitchen. It is plain,so plain that he thinks Bernard might never cook at all. The little box of green tea near the sink catches his eyes. Brett decides to make it for two,thinking that the tea might help Bernard feels better. At least,he is trying to be helpful

 

Bernard comes out form the bathroom and founds his best friend sitting cross legged on the dinning chair and drinking a cup of green tea. The smell of tea is calming and alluring,somewhat makes him a bit hungry.

"Here Bernie have some tea." Bretts hands the tea to Bernard. Bernard receives it and sits down on another dinning chair. They sit in silence,drinking tea together.

"Sorry about earlier. I just wake up" Bernard clears his throat ,looking down on his cup of tea

"That's why you need a cup of tea" Brett says,finishing his cup of green tea with a little smile. He snatches Bernard's cup,put both in sink and starts to wash them. Bernard is startled.

" Hey you can leave it there. I'll wash it later" Bernard protests,looking at Brett who is turning the facet and humming a song.

" Nope. Go grab your guitar. I will finish this in a minute" Brett says and looks back to Bernard with a slight smile. Bernard seems a bit annoyed,but go get his guitar right away.

Brett loves moment like this,the moment that he can look after Bernard as Bernard used to do the same with him. He does not feel the urge to return the gratitude or anything,but it is more of like something he wants to do. At least, to show that he cares for Bernard,although making tea and do the clean-up is just an inconsequential matter.

He finishes the washing when he hears the guitar sound coming from the next room.

 

He then walks to the next room,which is living room. There is nothing much,mostly a couch,a coffee table, a small telly,a record player,a bundle of records lying around and a stalk of papers with notes written on. Bernard is sitting on a couch and doing the sound check on his guitar. Brett decides to sit next to him.

It is quite awkward at first because the couch is actually a small love seat. With Brett and Bernard with his notes,bags and guitar,the couch is pretty full. Brett manages to feel calm as much as he could,trying not to think about the fact that they sit so close to each other.

"Here's the intro" Bernard says and starts playing a few notes. To Brett,it feels rough and raw,but a little bit classy.

"Wow. That's pretty rough if we are going to make a pop record" Brett says with his eyes closed,trying to find the right lyrics for their upcoming song. Is this going to be too rough for a pop record? Brett wonders to himself.

"Um... What are you planning to write? I mean a pop record about what ?"

Brett sighs.

 

He has been thinking about this lately,about their new song. He wants to write what he feels,to fully express himself. Then it all comes to something that has to do with Bernard,his feeling for Bernard. Brett realizes that there is a possibility that Bernard might know his feeling,but if he wants to make a good records,then it has to come straight from his head,from what he is literally feeling right now.

Brett knows by heart that being in one sided love is bittersweet. He is enjoying his fantasy while his subconscious constantly reminds him that this is not real and Brett feels the urge to express that. If he is going to write a song,he does not want to fake it or to make it commercial or trendy. Brett just wishes that this song reflects his special feeling for the one and only.

_.... For Bernard_

 

**  
_The Drowners_ ** __  
  


_Won't someone give me a gun?_  
oh well it's for my brother  
well he writes the line wrote down my spine  
It says "Oh do you believe in love there?"  
  
So slow down, slow down, you're taking me over  
And so we drown, sir we drown, stop taking me over  
  
Won't someone give me some fun?  
(and as the skin flies all around us)  
We kiss in his room to a popular tune  
Oh, real drowners  
  
slow down, slow down, you're taking me over  
And so we drown, sir we drown,  
stop takin' me over!

 

 

After they finish writing song together,it is already 7 PM. It takes them all day to write the song,however,both are very satisfied with the result.

"Do you wanna go drink somewhere? Celebrate that we finally finish our first song" Bernard asks while he is putting away his guitar and collecting his scratch papers from the floor.

"No. I will go straight home. Feel so tired." Brett answers with his both hands covering and massaging his own face.

 

"Brett"

"Yeah?"

" You still haven't answered me that what this song is about" Bernard says,putting his stuff away and lying comfortably on his couch.

Brett faintly smiles and scratches his head a little.

 

" I guess... it is be about falling in love and does not know how to stop yourself from falling" Brett says. He tries to communicate his feeling without revealing too much about his feeling for Bernard,otherwise he might ruin it all. For Brett,falling in love is like drowning. He knows that Bernard will never return his love,but he keeps drowning himself in his own fantasy,a wave after wave of fantasy . The thought of Bernard is taking him over and he does not know how to stop. Part of him glad to stay this way,but another knows that this is all lie that he keeps feeding himself with. And it goes on and on,without cease.

"Justine?" Bernard puts his both hands on Brett's shoulder and slowly squeeze. Brett feels he is both nervous and relaxed at the same time.

The warmth of Bernard's touch stays there for a week. Brett can feel himself breaking up inside,but he keeps holding himself together. He just does not want to come out. He just cannot stand the consequence if Bernard hates him because of what he is feeling. And it is too risky. All too risky to says that those simple words.

 

_I think I fall in love with you,Bernard Butler_

_I think I really am._

 

Brett shakes his head slightly as his friend get quite excited and curious.

"Wait so this is the new girl or what?....... But it seems so sad. Don't tell me it is one sided"

"I think you can guess" Brett says with a small smiles brushed on his pale face.

" God. You need to tell her,no matter who she is. It is now or never. " Bernard says,looking straight to Brett's eyes.

 

_There is no she or her._

_It is always you,you,you,and you._

_I just cannot stop._

_It is all you._

_And I wish you knew_

_I really wish that you knew_

 

 

" I know....,but it will ruin everything " Brett says,looking down to his ripped jeans. He just cannot ruin it,yet.

" But you need to take a chance,it is either go big or go home." Bernard says,patting Brett's shoulder.

"Yeah......

.

.

"But for now,let me live that fantasy."

He smiles sadly,then brushes back his strand of hair.


	4. Chapter 4

After various gigs and a lot of dedication from the group,they finally take off. Suede is labeled as The Best New Band In Britian on the cover of Melody Maker,the famous music magazine. People start to attend more to their gigs and recognize them as a proper band. They also get a contract of the record company to make their own first album.

To this point,all four members of the band are very delighted with their perseverance and dedication finally paid off well. Things go on like a fantasy for them who are the London-based band making a living by making music and being in the spotlight.

Things also go on very well for Brett and Bernard,but there is no progress in their personal relationship. Some might say they are best friends of each other,but that's just it.

 

The first album soon becomes a successful hit. It is one of the best-selling debut albums in Britian ever. They all still enjoy the fame and all the fun of producing records;however,fame also brings pressure. Brett takes the pressure on himself. He feels the urge to be unique and extraordinary. During that time,there are also a lot of bands rising to fame at the same time as they do such as Oasis,Blur or even his ex-girlfriend's band,Elastica.

Brett feels the need to differentiate himself and his band among their competitors. His last resort is drug. He takes a lot of drug,hoping that it can help him craft his own persona and broaden his imagination.Nonetheless,the drug backfires him too. It all spreads to his life like a plague and turns him into a nocturnal creature,doing drugs,going to party every Friday and Saturday night,smoking a ton of cigarettes and drinking like a drunkard. Everyone in the band knows how far Brett have gone and no one can stop him,even Bernard. Brett's hedonist lifestyle sometimes creates tension,instead it's mostly a great ocean between the two.

Bernard feels like Brett is drifting away from his world,the old comfortable world they once used to share. However,they still working with each other trying to complete their second incoming album.

 

 

Things keep going on steadily,until one day..

 

 

Brett realizes that Bernard has a girlfriend,Elisa

 

 

Brett does not really shocked or surprised,instead he feels empty,as the eye of a tornado might feel. At the end of the day,he regrets it. He hates himself for missing a chance that he did not even take. Supposed Bernard might answer,if he says a word. But it does not matter now. He shall never confess since it will only break them.

It hurts as if there is a knife stabbed in his chest somewhere and he is struggling to breathe,but he needs to accept the truth. It's just that bullshit fantasy he's drowning himself with. He just feels like shit. Why he keeps thinking that this might work? That Bernard might like him too? Bullshit! He painfully knows the fact that this is not real. He just keeps his hope up and feeding himself with fairy tales.

 

 

_"Shit........._

 

 

_It's all fucking over now_

_I fucked it up_

_I cannot make it_

_Both of us_

_Is all lie_

_A bloody lie_

 

 

_I should have told you_

_At least to let you know_

_But I am too afraid_

 

 

_I still don't want to lose you_

 

 

_How can I stand it?_

_The pain of losing you_

 

 

_When all that I want_

_Is just to be close to you."_

 

.

.

.

 

 

 

 

It all goes back to the beginning. Brett is smoking in his room,jamming David Bowie's Quicksand with his acoustic guitar. In the middle of the song,he stops and put the guitar away. He always knows that he is not a guitarist,just an ordinary guy who prefer to sing and can play guitar along. He does not have tunes in his head,instead has words floating around. But he sees no harm in playing guitar just for fun such as time like this

Brett glances at the black cassette lying on his bed .Bernard tapes it with the their new song in instrumental version for him to take home and write some lyrics since their working hours are hardly matched these day. Brett feels like he's living like a nocturnal creature,waking up in the afternoon and partying till the sun comes up on the next day.

He indulge himself more in drug,cigarette and drinking. It helps him clear his head and to forget how obviously he despites himself,but only on a temporary amount of time. However,it is better than nothing at all. Brett knows he's living like a trash these day,but he does not want to stop. It helps him with the pain,all the pressure,the nerves and the heartache.

 

 

_"It all comes down to you._

 

 

_Bernard."_

 

 

Brett puts the cassette into the Walkman and plays it. He lets the music play and jots words that coming through his head down. Later,He notices that there is something strange with him. He feels like his focus is not there as if it's drifting away like a plastic bag on the street. Brett is replaying the record again and trying to listen to the melodies attentively.

It does not work. He feels empty and shit and hatful of hollow inside. He gets the tape out from Walkman and lies down on the bed,breathing in and out slowly.

The thick air and the dust in the room cling to Brett's skin. He feels very still,unmoving, so still that he could hear the sound of his heart beating inside.

 

_'It is now or never._

_... But you need to take a chance,it is either go big or go home.'_

 

Brett touches his own shoulder ,where Bernard sometimes pats and puts his hands on too. He longs for the warmth,but it all wanes now. He just feels cold and alone.

He is lying in his bed,listening to the sound of clock ticking between silence. He looks up at the clock. It's late,almost 10 PM. Maybe he should wait for tomorrow,but this will not stop if he waits a little longer. He's tired,so tired of his own feeling. It is as if two Siamese cats fighting in his own head all the time about what he wants to do and what he is supposed to do.

Brett is tired of waiting,of concealing his feeling in silence. At the end of the day,what's different does it make? When his hope is lost and there is nothing he can do about it because he lets it all happen without doing anything.

 

_"It's all my fucking fault"_

 

He finds himself wondering around London's streets,thinking about what could have been between him and Bernard. Around 10.30,he winds up in front of Bernard's flat. With some reluctance,he knocks. He waits for around 5 minutes before Bernard greets him with black polo shirt,jeans and same old messy hair that he always has.

"Is Elisa here?" Brett asks at the sight

Bernard looks startled for a minute,but shakes his head.

"Brett,you should come in first" Bernard swings the door open so Brett can come in easily. He then walks to the kitchen to make some tea. Brett follows him in. He feels nostalgic about this place,how they used to spend time together here,on the couch writing a song,drinking some tea and listening to their favorite records. He throws himself on the couch and sighs. Looking at the ceiling of Bernard's flat,Brett feels like he's tearing up. He just wants to cry. What the fuck he gets himself into? Why he's here? He wishes he did not come. Maybe he should leave and tell Bernard that there's nothing.

"Would you like a cup of tea" Bernard asks,looking at him from the kitchen. He then flashes his same old sunshine smile.

 

_'Why you keep smiling at me?_

 

_Don't smile at me! I don't deserve that._

_I don't own anything_

_,even you or your heart._

 

_It's shit._

_It's nothing._

 

_I should have told you._

_We could have been together._

 

_Fuck._

_Fuck._

_Fuck.'_

 

Brett feels the warmth around his eyes,tears coming right down. He quickly wipes away. Bernard seems shocked. He really does not know what to do. He sits next to Brett who is still struggle with emotion breakdown. Bernard puts his hand on Brett shoulder which he can sense that it's trembling.

"What's wrong?" Bernard asks,fixing his eyes on Brett. Brett is trying to look at something else,the table,the floor,the ceiling,anything but Bernard's face. He just cannot bare it. If he looks straight to Bernard's eyes now, he might not know what to feel anymore.

"Just give me a minute." Brett says. He tries to breathe deeply. Bernard's hand is still on his shoulder,but he feels worse.

 

Brett sobs for a minute until he can gather his conscious and courage. It's now or never and all he has to do is to say it. Just fucking say it.

 

"Bernard... I need to tell you something" Brett breaks the silence. He looks at the floor and sighs.

 

".....I am listening"

 

"I am sorry for bothering you during these hours. I am sorry if what I am going to say will make you hate me. I am sorry for being such a trash lately. I know I am not that kind of nice guy and you might already hate me. But I need to tell you this. Because if I am not,I just can't."

 

Brett pauses and breathes in slowly. He knows that this time has to come. This is it. He just need to say those words.

 

 

"Bernard, I think I love you"

 

 

There's nothing. The silence falls in between the two. Bernard is still looking at Brett,while Brett is looking at the floor.

 

Brett wishes he just could disappear or vanish into thin air. This silence is very uncomfortable. It is as if there is an elephant in the room and both of them pretend that they don't see it. He just can't take it. He does not want rejection or sympathy. Maybe he needs to leave. Going somewhere,just to forget about this thing. He just fucks it up,again.

 

_'If you have never felt the same_

_And all this is fantasy_

 

_Just fucking let me go_

_Don't humiliate me_

 

_Because I just can't....._

_Can't bare it'_

 

 

After about 10 minutes of silence and nobody doing anything,Brett decides to get up. He walks as fast as he could to the door,but Bernard stops him.

"Wait" Bernard is looking at him with serious facial expression. Brett does not know what to feel right now. Maybe Bernard hates him now,but it does not matter. He just needs to get out and disappear.

"What?" Brett asks,still cannot make the eye contact

"How long?"

"What?" Brett seems startled. He just can't. Please don't talk about it. Stop reminding me that I am an idiot falling for you

"I wanna know how long" Bernard still grabs his wrist firmly that sometimes Brett hurts a bit,but he does not really care.

"Just let me fucking go home" Brett feels like he is tearing up again. He does not want to cry,especially in front of Bernard. It seems so stupid. Why he keeps crying? He never ever understands himself.

"Brett" Bernard calls out his name,harsher than he has ever spoken to him. Brett feels the sting of it,but he is just so tired and all he wants is to go home and disappear.

"Since you have joined the band. Since you helped me get over Justine." Brett feels his tears running down. He cannot hold it back anymore and it ends up all exposed in front of Bernard. Fuck.

 

"Bernard,would you just fucking let me g---" the last phrase of Brett's words gets cut as Bernard pulls him close harshly. Bernard grabs the sides of Brett's face and pulls him down, smashing their lips together in a kiss that's brutal, like a slap. It isn't at all what Brett dreams about feeling with Bernard. All of his indulgent fantasies are filled with soft, chaste kisses and contented sighs. But this kiss is all rough and he feels the softness of Bernard's shirt against him, but it's hot to the touch. He's hot all over, crushed by the heat of this kiss, and it hurts.He feels like he's on fire as their tongues tease at each other. He feels trapped and burning and alive. For the first time, he feels like a real, living breathing person instead of a living dead boy. But it hurts. It hurts so badly because he knows this is all he's going to get.

 

Brett pulls away suddenly,gasping for breath. He looks at Bernard with confusion.

 

"What's that?" Brett asks,looking at Bernard as if he's a wild animal. Brett still cannot believe what happened a minute ago. He's just confused.

"I need to make up" Bernard says and grins. He approaches Brett slowly. Touching Brett's neck, Bernard pulls Brett closer for another kiss,but Brett pushes him away.

"Are you out of your mind? What's about Elisa? We can't do this Bernard. I've come too late. I should leave." Brett feels like he's breaking up inside again. The thought of them cannot be together will always become soft spot for him. He partly wishes Bernard would not rush into Elisa so soon,but he cannot blame anyone else except himself.

"Are you sure you really want to leave?" Bernard ask,still grabbing Brett's wrist firmly. Their eyes finally meet and Brett feels like Bernard sees him through. He feels weak,fragile and helpless.

 

"You will regret this,Bernard"

 

"I will not regret this,not even in the slightest doubt. "

 

Brett does not answer,but he embraces Bernard. For a moment,it feels like all those fantasies come true. Brett knows by heart the consequence of the night. It will break him and Bernard and Suede will never be the same. But it's all he has got now.

  "I won't do anything unless you want me to."  Bernard whispers into Brett's ear, the warm breath on his neck making Brett shiver. Brett,himself,could feel Bernard warm body pressed against him. Meanwhile, Bernard hands come to rest against Brett's jawline. Brett feels like he is drowning or even dreaming.

Brett slowly nods his head, his heart feeling as though it will explode if he does not let this happens. Bernard's lips are warm as he feels himself being taken over by curiosity and lust. This kiss is mild and softer than the first one. It's the one that Brett has been dreaming of. Brett feels himself being taken by waves after waves of lust and love,but this feels so right. This feeling,this moment,he and Bernard is just right.

 

 

 

 

In the morning, Brett wakes up with the same sight of London,no trace of Bernard to be found.

The next day Bernard does not turn up in the studio. Brett tells other members that Bernard's left. He knows by heart because of that night it will be him or Bernard to leave the band anyway;because both of them drown to each other. If Bernard stays,it will break his life with Elisa and Brett knows how much Bernard wants family and it's better to build up a family with Elisa than throwing Bernard's life with a band whose frontman is a drug-addict like him. If Brett stays,he just can't stop his feeling either. He's terrified, absolutely fucking terrified about what he feels for Bernard and it might go out of hand or go further than that night. They just cannot let it happen again.

Only Simon and Mat know the truth behinds Bernard's leaving and three of them agree to not bring it up. They still want to run the band though, keep making good records.

 

  A week later,Bernard announces his wedding with Elisa. No member of the band is invited. 

 

 

 

_"Even though,it's all too late and you are not here anymore, I still do._

_I really..._

_Love you._

 

_If I will never see meet in this life again,Bernard_

_Let me feel the lack"_

 

**Author's Note:**

> *Also on Wattpad*


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